Bedtime Stories
by Erin T. Aardvark
Summary: Bert, Melissa, Ralph, the Pigs, and Cyril each tell Forest their own versions of classic fairy tails
1. BabySitter Bert

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story was formerly "The Three Little Raccoons," before I decided to expand a little on it. I guess you could say this is my "tribute" to Jay Ward's "Fractured Fairy Tails," Raccoons style! Anyway, I hope you enjoy the new version!_

Bert Raccoon walked over to the Sneer mansion one night and knocked on the door. Sophia answered it, and Bert noticed she was wearing a long dress, and trying to put on a pair of hoop earrings.

"Kinda dressed up to go to a movie theater, aren't you?" he asked.

"We're not going to the movies, Bert," Sophia said. "Cedric managed to get tickets for a play. That's what we meant when we said we were going to the theater tonight."

"Okay, I get it. So where is Cedric, anyway?"

"Giving Forest his dinner. They're in the kitchen."

Bert nodded, and walked into the kitchen. Cedric was doing his best trying to get his eight-month-old son, Forest, to eat his creamed spinach, but Forest wasn't cooperating. He hated creamed spinach with a passion, although he hated strained peas even more.

"Come on, Forest," Cedric said. "Spinach is good for you."

Forest made a face. He babbled something in baby talk, and pushed the bowl of creamed spinach off the tray of his highchair. It landed right on Cedric's best white shirt.

"Forest!" he shouted.

"Having a little trouble there, Cedric?" Bert asked. Then he patted Forest on the head. "Hey there, little buddy."

"Oh, hi, Bert," Cedric said. "Well, serves me right for trying to feed Forest creamed spinach while wearing my good shirt."

"What's going on?" Sophia asked as she walked into the kitchen. She saw what had happened and groaned.

"Oh Forest," she sighed.

"Well, I'd better go change," Cedric said. "After I finish feeding Forest, that is. He's got to have his dinner."

"No, there's no time," Bert said. "You guys are gonna be late for that play you're going to if you do that. I'll tell you what. Since I'm baby-sitting tonight, I'll feed him, and then get him to bed."

"Thanks, Bert," Cedric said, as he went upstairs.

"You're a life saver," Sophia said, following Cedric. "With Cedric's father at a business meeting tonight, and the Pigs visiting their mother, we were worried about going to the play tonight."

"No problem," Bert said. "Forest and I are buds! He likes hanging out with his Uncle Bert, dontcha, Forest ol' buddy?"

Bert tickled Forest under his chin, which caused the baby aardvark to burst out laughing. Bert picked up the jar of creamed spinach, sniffed it, and grimaced.

"Eeeesh!" he shouted, jamming the lid on the jar. "I don't blame ya for throwing this stuff at your dad, Forest! I'd probably do the same thing!"

Bert then walked over to the refrigerator, and pulled out the applesauce, which was Forest's favorite, and spooned some into a dish. Forest gladly accepted this. He was finished with his dinner by the time Cedric and Sophia came downstairs. Sophia was giving Bert instructions for the night.

"Forest's bedtime is right after he eats his dinner," she said. "So you'll be in charge of that, and his bath. And he usually takes a bottle to bed with him. I've posted the emergency numbers in the kitchen, and the number of the theater we're going to. Now Forest will probably start crying when we leave, but he'll calm down after awhile."

"I hope," Bert said, remembering the time Cyril had kicked Cedric and Sophia out of the Sneer mansion shortly after Forest was born. They had gone to the Raccoondominium, and Forest would not stop crying. It turned out he was crying because he had missed Cyril, and thought he'd never see his grandpa again, and it just upset him terribly.

"Now, if he starts crying after you put him to bed, just rock him in the rocking chair for awhile," Sophia continued. "He also likes stories. Am I forgetting something? I'm sure I'm forgetting something."

"You're not forgetting anything," Cedric assured her. Then he turned towards Bert. "She's a little nervous about leaving Forest with a baby-sitter. Pop usually watches him, but who knows how long this meeting of his is going to last."

"Don't worry, Sophia," Bert said. "I've got everything under control. Forest is in good hands."

"Okay," Sophia said. She bent down and kissed Forest. "Bye-bye, sweetie. Mommy and Daddy will be back soon."

"Bye, Forest," Cedric said, tussling Forest's bluish-purple hair. "You be good for Uncle Bert."

"Bye-bye, Mommy! Bye-bye, Daddy! Have fun!" Bert said in a squeaky voice. He made Forest wave goodbye to his parents.

Cedric and Sophia laughed, and they walked out to their car. Then they drove out of sight. Forest watched them go down the road, and Sophia's hunch was right. He started crying. Bert rested him over his shoulder, and began rubbing his back.

"Aw, come on, little buddy," he said. "Your mom and dad will be home soon! They just want some time to themselves for awhile! But the best part about that is you and I get to spend some time together! Come on, let's get you into your bath, and then it's bed time."

Bert gave Forest a bath in the kitchen sink. The baby was too small for the regular bathtub for the time being. After Forest had his bath, Bert got him ready for bed. He put Forest in the crib, and turned on his mobile. Then he gave Forest his bottle, turned out the light, and started to walk out of the room.

"Night-night, Forest," he said.

Bert walked down to the kitchen, and began going through the cabinets and cupboards.

"I wonder where Cedric keeps the peanut butter?" he asked.

Before Bert could find the peanut butter, he heard Forest crying upstairs. He sighed, and went to check on him.

"Hey, what's the matter, little buddy?" he asked, taking Forest out of the crib. "You miss your mom and dad? They'll be back soon. When you wake up, they'll be here. The sooner you go to sleep, the sooner you'll get to see them!"

That didn't convince Forest. He still cried. Bert thought about it for a little while, and finally came up with an idea.

"Hey, I know," he said. "How about I tell you a story? Would you like that?"

Forest whimpered a little. Bert walked over to the rocking chair, sat down in it, and began rocking the baby back and forth as he began to tell his story.

"Once upon a time," he said. "There were three little raccoons. And they're names were Ralph, Melissa, and Bert. Ralph was very smart, and he liked to read. Melissa was pretty, but she never was afraid to speak her mind. And Bert was very, _very_ handsome, heroic, and daring."


	2. The Three Little Raccoons

Ralph, Melissa, and Bert lived in a peaceful forest. They were all building their own houses to live in. Bert's was made out of straw, Ralph's was made out of sticks, and Melissa's was made out of bricks.

"You're making your house out of bricks!" Bert laughed. "You wouldn't be able to lift a brick!"

"Just watch me," Melissa said. "I'll have a nice, strong brick house to live in. Not a flimsy straw house like you're living in, Bert."

"Straw happens to be very comfortable," Bert said. "Girls. They think they know everything."

So Bert went on his way back to his little straw house. He went inside, sat down in his easy chair, and began eating a jar of peanut butter.

As Bert was relaxing in his little straw house, the Big Bad Aardvark came to his door. The Big Bad Aardvark was pink, wore a blue tie around his neck, and chewed on a cigar. He walked around the house, and looked at it in all angles. Then he went back around to the front door, and banged on it.

"Hey, you in the oversized hay stack!" he yelled. "Get out here!"

"Well, what do you want?" Bert asked, as he opened the door and looked at the Big Bad Aardvark.

"You got a building permit for this house?"

"Permit? Uhh, well, uhhh . . . . ."

"No building permit, huh? Well, you do realize that this is my property, don't you?"

"Well . . . . ."

"And besides, this house isn't up to code. I'll have to check the inside."

The Big Bad Aardvark was about to go inside, when Bert slammed the door on his nose.

"Ouch!" the Big Bad Aardvark shouted, and yanked his nose out of the door. Then he began to bang on it as hard as he could.

"You'd better let me in there, raccoon!" he yelled. "I've got you covered! Let me in now!"

"No way, Hose Nose!" Bert shouted, settling himself in an easy chair. He continued to snack on his peanut butter.

"All right," the Big Bad Aardvark said. "Have it your way."

The Big Bad Aardvark then unleashed his secret weapon: a fifty foot battery operated fan. He set it up and turned it on full blast.

"This is so much easier than huffing and puffing and blowing the house down," he said. "Don't you think?"

Bert could feel the wind blowing harder and harder. He thought there was a tornado going on outside! Suddenly, the walls of the straw house came tumbling down.

"Hey, what's the big idea ruining my house!" Bert shouted, climbing out of the pile of straw that was left.

"No building permit, no house," the Big Bad Aardvark said. "And for trespassing and building on my property without a permit, you're going to my dungeon!"

"Yike!"

Bert started running off as fast as he could. The Big Bad Aardvark was right behind him. Bert climbed up a tree, and began jumping from branch to branch, until he saw a house made of sticks in the distance. He jumped down to the ground and started banging on the door.

"Ralph!" he shouted. "Ralph, old buddy, let me in! Let me in!"

"What's the matter?" Ralph asked, opening the door.

"The Big Bad Aardvark's after me! You gotta hide me!"

"Where are you, you oversized fur coat!" the Big Bad Aardvark shouted. "Wait'll I get my hands on you, you little . . . . ."

Bert let out a scream, and ran into Ralph's house made of sticks. He dove underneath a table and wasn't about to come out. Ralph closed the door, sat down in his chair, and started to read his newspaper.

"Don't worry, Bert," he said. "The Big Bad Aardvark won't get in here."

Bert relaxed, but only a little. The Big Bad Aardvark came over to the house of sticks and began banging on the door.

"Okay, you in the house! Come on out!" he yelled. "I gotcha covered!"

Ralph opened the door and looked up at the Big Bad Aardvark.

"May I help you?" he asked.

"Where's that other raccoon?" the Big Bad Aardvark demanded. "The one wearing the red and yellow sweater. I know he came in here!"

"I think you're mistaken. I'm the only raccoon here."

"Hmmm . . . . ."

The Big Bad Aardvark looked at the house of sticks, and then at Ralph.

"You got a permit for building this house here on my property?" he asked.

"P-permit?" Ralph stuttered. "Uh, well, uh, gee, I, uh . . . . ."

"I didn't think so. I'm afraid I'm going to have to evict you and throw you in my dungeon!"

"Hey, wait a darn minute here!" Bert shouted, coming out from under the table. "What gives you the right to . . . ."

"Ah ha!" the Big Bad Aardvark shouted. "Two raccoons for the price of one! Come on out of there!"

The two raccoons quickly ducked inside the house, and slammed the door, once again, the Big Bad Aardvark's nose getting caught in it.

"Aaahhh!" the Big Bad Aardvark shouted, yanking his nose out. Then he started banging on the door. "All right, you raccoons! Let me in! Let me in right now!"

"Eeehh, go blow your brains out!" Bert taunted.

"Bert!" Ralph hissed.

"You asked for it!" the Big Bad Aardvark shouted. He brought in his fan, and turned it on full blast.

Ralph and Bert tried to fight against the great wind blowing, but found that they couldn't, and the walls came a-tumbling down. The two raccoons climbed out of the pile of sticks, only to be met face to face by the Big Bad Aardvark.

"Uh oh!" Bert shouted.

"Let's get out of here!" Ralph yelled, and the two raccoons raced off.

"Come back here!" the Big Bad Aardvark shouted, running after them. "You won't get away that easy!"

"He thinks that was easy?!" Bert shouted.

Ralph and Bert managed to lose the Big Bad Aardvark in the woods, and they came upon Melissa's brick house. The two of them began banging on the door.

"Melissa!" Ralph yelled. "Melissa, let us in!"

"The Big Bad Aardvark is after us!" Bert yelled.

Melissa opened the door, and Ralph and Bert tumbled inside.

"You've gotta help us!" Bert shouted. "He's gonna throw us in the dungeon!"

"He already blew our houses down," Ralph said.

"I knew making a brick house would be beneficial," Melissa said. "Don't worry. I know how to take care of the Big Bad Aardvark."

Bert and Ralph raced into the house, and Melissa shut the door. But the minute she closed it, someone began banging on it. She opened the door, and saw the Big Bad Aardvark standing there.

"Yes?" she asked.

"Where are they!" the Big Bad Aardvark shouted. "I saw two raccoons come in here, now where are they?"

"They went to Disneyland to play with Mickey Mouse," Melissa said. "Bye!"

Melissa shut the door, once again catching the Big Bad Aardvark's nose in it.

"Eerrrrgghhh!" the Big Bad Aardvark shouted, pulling his nose out of the door. "That's it! That does it! I've had it! The minute I get through with these raccoons, I'm getting a nose job!"

The Big Bad Aardvark was mad, now. He began banging on the door with such force, the three raccoons thought he was going to knock it off it's hinges in a minute!

"All right, you raccoons!" he shouted. "This is your last warning! LET ME IN! I need to see your building permit, you crazy dame!"

"I don't have one!" Melissa shouted.

"Then I'm going to have to evict you, and your friends! And then throw the lot of you in my dungeon! NOW LET ME IN THERE!"

"No!"

"You're asking for it! I'll have to take care of this house, like I took care of the other two!"

The Big Bad Aardvark went to get his fan, and turned it on full blast, but nothing happened. The brick house staid exactly where it was.

"Guess I'll have to turn up the power," he said, grabbing the remote control. He cranked up the juice. A couple of ducks, geese, squirrels, and some other birds and small animals were starting to get blown away. But the brick house wasn't going anywhere.

The Big Bad Aardvark was getting impatient. He continued to crank up the power of the fan. Some of the trees started to uproot and blow away, but the house staid where it was.

"What in blazes!" the Big Bad Aardvark shouted. He growled, gnashed his teeth, and turned up the power on the fan as high as it would go. Now, large animals like moose and bears were being blown away, but that brick house just wouldn't budge.

The Big Bad Aardvark tried to crank the power up higher, but the fan exploded due to the pressure. Bert was watching everything through the window, and he began jumping up and down cheering.

"Yahoo!" he shouted. "I guess that's it for the Big Bad Aardvark!"

"Not for long, you ring-tailed rats!" the Big Bad Aardvark shouted. "There's more than one way to skin a raccoon!"

And with that, the Big Bad Aardvark started to climb up the side of the house and up to the chimney. Melissa and Ralph already had a plan in mind. They filled a large pot with water, and set it in the fireplace. Then they started a fire. The water started to boil by the time the Big Bad Aardvark reached the roof.

"Now let's see . . . . ." he said, looking around. "Ah ha! There's the chimney. Ready or not, raccoons! Here I come! Ha, ha, ha, ha!"

"We're ready for you!" Melissa called up the chimney. "Everyone stand back."

The Big Bad Aardvark laughed, as he made his way down the chimney, thinking he would throw the three little raccoons in his dungeon and bring in a wrecking ball to destroy the brick house, when he suddenly landed.

KER-SPLASH!

"What the?" he began. Then he began sniffing around. "Hmm. Something's cooking. Smells like aardvark soup. Wait a minute . . . . . ."

The Big Bad Aardvark then realized he was sitting in a pot of boiling water.

"YEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!" he screamed as he shot back up the way he came in, and far into the air. The three raccoons watched him go.

"Yay!" they cheered. "No more Big Bad Aardvark!"

And the Big Bad Aardvark was never seen or heard from again.


	3. Ralph and Melissa Come Over

"And so, with the Big Bad Aardvark defeated," Bert said, finishing up the story. "The Three Little Raccoons lived happily ever after in their brick house. The End. What did you think of the story, Forest?"

Forest just looked up at Bert, and then, without warning, started crying again. Bert sighed.

"Okay," he said, with a sigh. "Let me see, if I were a crying baby, what would I want my baby-sitter to do?"

Unfortunately, the only thing that came to Bert's mind was changing Forest's diaper, which did not appeal to the raccoon, but he went and did it anyway. But not without putting a clothespin over his nose first.

"I don't know how parents put up with this part of the job," he groaned as he finished. "Okay, Forest. Beddy-bye time."

Bert tucked Forest back into his crib, turned off the light, and tiptoed out. He went back down into the kitchen to look for the peanut butter, when Forest started crying again.

"Oh boy," he groaned. "Maybe I'd better call Cedric at the theater."

Bert went over to the phone, and picked it up. Then he thought it over. Since the baby had been born, Cedric and Sophia rarely had any time to themselves. He didn't want to spoil their night out. Who knows when they'd get another one? But Bert didn't know what else to do to get Forest to stop crying. He didn't know anymore stories. So he called the Raccoondominium, and told Melissa what was going on.

"Do you think you and Ralph can come over and help me out?" he asked. "I don't know what else to do to get Forest to stop crying, and I don't want to call Cedric and Sophia at the theater and spoil their first night out since Forest was born."

"We'll be over in a minute," Melissa said, and she and Bert hung up. Then Bert went back upstairs to the nursery. He turned on the light, picked up Forest, and went back to the rocking chair.

"Uncle Ralph and Auntie Melissa are coming over, Forest," he said. "They'll get you off to Dreamland in no time, little guy."

Five minutes later, Ralph and Melissa arrived. Bert put Forest back in his crib, and went downstairs to let them in.

"I hope you two can get Forest to stop crying and get him to go to sleep," he said. "He's driving me crazy. Cedric and Sophia said he liked stories, and I tried to tell him a story, but it didn't work, and I don't know any more."

"I think I have a story for him," Melissa said. She and the boys went up to the nursery. Forest stopped crying for a minute when the door opened, but then started up when he saw it was the Raccoons.

"Awww, what's the matter, honey?" Melissa said, taking him out of the crib. "Do you miss Mommy and Daddy? You know when you go to sleep, Mommy and Daddy will be home when you wake up. Come on, Auntie Melissa will tell you a story."

Melissa carried Forest to the rocking chair, sat down, and began rocking.

"Now, once upon a time," Melissa started. "There was a little raccoon who always wore a red riding hood and cape. Everyone called her Little Red Riding Raccoon."


	4. Little Red Riding Raccoon

One day, Little Red Riding Raccoon (who bore a striking resemblance to the teller of this story) was taking a basket full of goodies to her grandmother, who was sick. She had been warned to be careful, since her grandmother lived on the other side of the forest, and she had to cross the Big Bad Aardvark's territory to get there, and the Big Bad Aardvark didn't like trespassers on his territory. As she was walking along the forest, she was being watched by the Big Bad Aardvark.

"What's this?" he asked as he chewed on the end of his cigar. "A raccoon? On _my_ property?! I'll put a stop to that!"

The Big Bad Aardvark popped out of the bushes right in front of Little Red Riding Raccoon, startling her.

"Oh!" she shouted, almost dropping her basket.

"And just where do you think you're going on my property?!" the Big Bad Aardvark shouted.

"I was going to visit my grandmother," Little Red answered. She wasn't afraid of the Big Bad Aardvark.

"Don't you know you're trespassing on my property?"

"Yes, and I'm sorry, but this is the only way to my grandmother's house."

"Well, it's earned you a one way ticket to my dungeon! That's the penalty for trespassing! What's in the basket?"

"Just some things I was taking to my grandmother. Some peanut butter sandwiches, some apples, an apple pie, and some chocolate cupcakes."

The Big Bad Aardvark began to look a little hungry then. He licked his chops, and looked at the basket longingly.

"Tell you what I'm gonna do," he said. "I'll let you pass through, but you've got to pay a toll."

"But I don't have any money," Little Red said.

"I'll take something out of the basket. Preferably something chocolate."

"Well, that sounds fair. Here you go."

Little Red pulled a chocolate cupcake out of her basket, and gave it to the Big Bad Aardvark. Then she went on her way to see her grandmother. The Big Bad Aardvark gulped down the chocolate cupcake, and licked the access icing off his mouth.

"Hmmm, not bad," he said. "But that one left me a bit hungry. Now, how can I get that basket from that raccoon?"

The Big Bad Aardvark chewed on the end of his cigar as he thought this over. Then he came up with an idea.

"Ah ha!" he shouted. "That's it! I'll take the shortcut to her grandmother's place, and wait for her to show up! Ha, ha, ha, ha!"

The Big Bad Aardvark ran down another path, which took him directly to Grandma's House. He got up to the door, and found a note there.

_Dear Red, I'm off to Jamaica. The doctor said the vacation will be good for my lumbago. Toodles. Grandma._

"I'm in luck," the Big Bad Aardvark said. "Granny's flown the coop. Heh, heh, heh. Those goodies will be all mine! And then I'll throw that raccoon in the dungeon."

The Big Bad Aardvark opened the door to Grandma's house, and went up to her bedroom. He found her night cap and bifocals and put them on. Then he jumped into Grandma's bed, and waited for Little Red to show up. Five minutes later, The Big Bad Aardvark heard the door open.

"Grandma!" a voice called. "It's me, Little Red Riding Raccoon!"

"Here she is now," the Big Bad Aardvark smirked, and rubbed his hands together. After a few moments, Little Red wandered to her grandmother's room.

"Grandma!" she gasped. "My goodness, you look _terrible_!"

"Never mind, never mind," the Big Bad Aardvark said. "Just give me the basket."

"But Grandma . . . . what big bags you have under your eyes!"

"Lack of sleep. I've been sick, you know!"

"And Grandma! What a long nose you have!"

"Yours ain't exactly dainty itself, sister! Now where's that basket?!"

The Big Bad Aardvark reached out to grab the basket. Little Red saw the aardvark's hands, and gasped.

"Why Grandma!" she shouted. "What big hands you have!"

The Big Bad Aardvark lost all patients whatsoever then. He jumped up and tried to grab the basket.

"All the better to throw you in my dungeon with!" he shouted. "Now give me that basket!"

"The Big Bad Aardvark!" Little Red gasped.

The Big Bad Aardvark expected Little Red to start cowering in the corner, which would allow him to grab the basket, and then toss her in his dungeon. But instead, she whapped him over the head with the basket.

"You want this basket, then I'll give it to you!" she shouted. And she continued to hit the Big Bad Aardvark over the head with the basket. "Take that! And that! And that!"

The Big Bad Aardvark started running off, but Little Red chased after him, hitting him over the head repeatedly with the basket, until she managed to chase him out of town.


	5. Ralph's Turn

"And so," Melissa said, finishing up the story. "The Big Bad Aardvark left the forest and never bothered anyone again. The end."

Forest just stared at Melissa, whimpered a little, and started crying all over again. Melissa sighed, and started rocking him.

"This is going to be harder than I thought," she said.

"Maybe he's hungry," Ralph suggested. "I'll go get him a bottle."

Ralph went down into the kitchen to get a bottle. The phone rang shortly after he came back. Bert went to answer it.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hi, Bert," Cedric replied.

"Cedric!" Bert shouted. "Hey, shouldn't you be watching a play right now?"

"It's intermission. I thought I'd call and see how everything is going."

"Oh, everything's fine. There's nothing for you to worry about. Forest's just having himself a little midnight snack."

"But it isn't even midnight."

"Yeah, well . . . . he woke up, he was hungry, you know."

"Okay. Anyway, I was also calling to say we might be home a little later than we thought. We're probably going to go out to eat when the play is over."

"Oh sure, take your time! Forest is in good hands."

"Are you sure everything's okay, Bert?"

"Positive, Cedric! Ralph, Melissa, and I have everything under control!"

"Ralph and Melissa?"

"Oh. Yeah, well, see, I called them over because I thought they could help me out a little, I mean . . . . I only know one story, and that's the Three Little Raccoons."

"Don't you mean the Three Little Pigs?"

"Not the way I tell it."

"Are you sure everything's okay? We can come back now if you're having any problems."

"No, no problems at all! You and Sophia enjoy yourselves! You haven't had a night on the town since the baby was born! You deserve a break! Forest will be just fine! Now you two crazy kids go and have yourselves a time and I'll see you later."

Bert hung up the phone and went back into the nursery. Ralph was sitting in the rocking chair, rocking Forest, and giving him his bottle. He was just finishing it up when Bert came in.

"Who was on the phone?" Ralph asked, as he pulled the empty bottle from Forest's mouth, and handed it to Bert.

"Cedric," Bert answered. "He was just checking in. He said he and Sophia are going out to dinner after the play so they're gonna be late getting back."

Forest started whimpering, and then began crying again. Ralph began rocking in the chair. He began to stroke Forest's ears, because he knew that relaxed the baby.

"Don't cry, Forest," he said, soothingly. "Your mom and dad will be back. You'll see them when you wake up."

"Hey, I got it!" Bert shouted, snapping his fingers. "Forest, want Uncle Ralph to tell you a story?"

"Me?!" Ralph shouted.

"Please, Ralph," Melissa said. "I can't think of any other stories."

"But the only story I know is Hansel and Gretel," Ralph said. "I don't think Forest would want to hear that. Especially the part about the oven."

"Come on, Ralph," Bert said. "I told Forest a story, Melissa told him a story, so now it's your turn to tell him a story!"

"All right," Ralph sighed, and he continued rocking the baby back and forth in the chair. "Once upon a time, there were two little raccoons named Hansel and Gretel, and they lived in a cottage in the woods."


	6. Hansel and Gretel, Raccoons Style

One day, Hansel and Gretel (who looked a lot like Ralph and Melissa), were taking a walk through the woods. They liked to go on the trails and enjoy the peacefulness of the woods. As they were walking, they came across a trail neither of them had been on before.

"Come on, Gretel!" Hansel shouted. "Let's check out this trail and see where it leads!"

"I don't know, Hansel," Gretel said. "Maybe we should stick to the trails we already know. We don't want to get lost."

"We won't get lost," Hansel said, taking Gretel by the hand. "Trust me. This will be fun."

"Well, all right."

Hansel and Gretel walked down the new trail, and found that they had walked very far from their home, and it was getting very dark.

"I'm a little scared, Hansel," Gretel said. "What if we can't find our way back?"

"Don't worry, Gretel," Hansel said. "I've been leaving a trail of bread crumbs as we've been walking. All we have to do is follow the bread crumbs back home."

Hansel and Gretel turned around to follow the bread crumbs back to their home, when they saw a bunch of birds eating up their trail.

"Uh oh," Hansel said.

"Leaving a trail of bread crumbs to follow," Gretel said, giving Hansel a Look. "That plan was really for the birds, Hansel. Now what do we do?"

"Well, I guess we just keep walking until we find someone who'll give us directions."

Hansel and Gretel continued walking through the woods. They had walked a long way, and it was getting late. They were starting to get hungry.

"I really wish you hadn't left that trail of bread crumbs, Hansel," Gretel said. "I sure could use them right about now."

"Me too," Hansel agreed. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

Hansel and Gretel continued walking until Hansel stopped, and sniffed the air.

"Hey, Gretel," he said. "Do you smell what I smell?"

"I think so," Gretel said as she sniffed the air as well. "Come on!"

Hansel and Gretel followed the scent until they came across a giant house, made entirely of gingerbread. They stared at it, not quite sure what to make of it.

"It's a house made entirely of gingerbread!" Gretel shouted.

"Come on!" Hansel shouted. "I'm starving!"

Hansel and Gretel ran to the house and began nibbling on the walls. As they were doing that, the front door opened, and out came a mean old aardvark, chewing on a cigar. He looked over at the two raccoons gnawing on his house.

"What in blazes!" he shouted. "What do you raccoons think you're doing eating on my house?!"

"We're sorry, sir," Hansel said. "We were lost in the woods and trying to find our way back home, and we smelled gingerbread, and then we saw your house. We were just so hungry . . . ."

"Hungry, eh?" the aardvark said, chewing on his cigar thoughtfully. "Hmmm. Well then, I insist you come in. Join me for dinner."

"Well," Hansel said, turning to Gretel, who shrugged. "If you insist."

Hansel and Gretel walked into the house while the aardvark went into the kitchen. He pulled out a cook book and began leafing through it.

"Ah, here it is," he said. "Just the recipe I've been looking for. Roast Raccoon! Now all I've got to do is get those raccoons in my oven."

The aardvark laughed sneakily, and went back to Hansel and Gretel.

"I was wondering if the two of you would assist me," he said. "I think the pilot light has gone out in my oven. Would you mind going in there and checking it? I'd do it myself, but the ol' sacroiliac just ain't what it used to be."

"I guess so," Hansel said, shrugging.

Hansel and Gretel walked into the kitchen. Hansel went to the oven while Gretel took a glance at the open cook book on the counter. Hansel opened the oven door and looked around inside.

"Looks okay to me," Hansel said.

"Are you sure?" the aardvark asked. "Maybe you should go inside and take a closer look."

"Well . . . ." Hansel said.

"Don't do it, Hansel," Gretel replied, softly so the aardvark wouldn't hear her. "There's a cook book on the counter that's opened to a recipe for Roasted Raccoon."

"Yike!" Hansel choked. "What are we going to do?"

"We'll have to trick him into getting into the oven instead of us."

"Right. And I know just how to do it."

Hansel walked over to the doorway, and looked around. The aardvark, was standing there, waiting.

"I think your pilot light went out," Hansel said. "But I'm not sure how to turn it back on!"

"What?!" the aardvark shouted. "Just go in there and strike a match!"

"I don't know how to do it. Would you show me?"

"Of all the . . . . stupid raccoons. They never know how to do anything."

The aardvark went into the kitchen, struck a match, and climbed into the oven, looking around.

"What do you mean the pilot light's out?!" he shouted. "It's on, and . . . ."

"Now!" Hansel shouted, as he and Gretel slammed the door shut.

"What in blazes!" the aardvark shouted. "Let me out of here!"

"Come on, Gretel!" Hansel shouted. "Let's get out of here!"

Hansel and Gretel left the aardvark in the oven and ran away from the gingerbread house as fast as they could. Before they went far, they heard an explosion, and saw an oven flying into the air, and into orbit.

"I guess that takes care of that aardvark," Hansel said. "Come on, Gretel. Let's go home."


	7. Rude Awakening

"And when Hansel and Gretel left the gingerbread house," Ralph said, finishing up his story, "they came to a hill, and then, over the hill, they found their own cottage, and they lived happily ever after. The end."

Ralph heard a tiny snore, and looked down. That story did it. Forest was finally asleep. He got up slowly, and gently put the baby in his crib. Melissa turned off the light, and the three raccoons slowly tiptoed out of the nursery. Bert softly closed the door behind them. Then, the three of them went downstairs and started to relax.

"Finally," Bert said. "Let's hope he doesn't wake up until Cedric and Sophia get back."

Ralph and Melissa nodded in agreement, but the hoping was soon to be short lived. The front door flew wide open, and banged into the wall.

"We're ba-ack!" the three Pigs cried out at the top of their voices.

"Hey, you guys!" Bert shouted. "Keep it down! You'll wake the . . . ."

Too late. The Pigs had woken up Forest, and now he was wailing at the top of his lungs again.

"Baby," Bert groaned, finishing his sentence.

The Raccoons and the Pigs raced up the stairs and into the nursery. Bert pulled Forest out of the crib, and began to walk around the room with him.

"Way to go, you guys," he said sarcastically to the Pigs. "We just got him to sleep and you had to go and wake him up!"

"Sorry," Lloyd replied. "We forgot about the baby."

"How are we going to get him to stop crying?" Floyd said. Bert glared at the Pig, and handed the baby to him.

"Here," he said. "_You_ woke him up, _you _get him back to sleep."

"But I don't know anything about babies!" Floyd said, passing Forest to Boyd.

"All I know about babies is that they eat, sleep, cry, and spit up," Boyd said, handing the baby to Lloyd. "And you have to change them twenty times a day."

"Uhhh," Lloyd said. "What do you want us to do?"

"First, sit down in the rocking chair," Melissa instructed, handing Lloyd a bottle. "Then give him his bottle, and tell him a story."

"Do we know any stories?" Boyd asked, looking at his brothers.

"Well, I know a little poem," Lloyd said. "There once was a man from Nantucket . . . . ."

"Don't you _dare_ tell him _that_!" Melissa yelled, appalled at the very idea Lloyd would tell Forest _that_ limerick.

"Yeah, you ding-dong, he's not old enough to hear _that_!" Bert shouted, bopping Lloyd over the head.

"Besides, the last time you recited that, Mom washed your mouth out with saddle soap," Boyd replied.

"Well, do you guys have a better story?" Lloyd challenged his brothers.

"Oooh! I know a great one!" Floyd shouted. "Mom used to tell it to us all the time! Once upon a time, there were three little pigs, and they went out to build their own homes. One built his house out of straw, the second built his house out of sticks, and the third built his house out of bricks. Then, one day, the Big Bad Wolf came around to the straw house, and he banged on the door and said Little Pig, Little Pig, let me come in! And the little pig said . . . ."

"I already told him that story," Bert said. "Tell him another one."

"I know a good story," Lloyd said. "It's all about a little girl named Goldie Pig."

"Goldie Pig?" Ralph said. "This I've got to hear."

"Now, once upon a time," Lloyd said, as he started to rock with the baby. "There was a little house in the woods, and inside this little house lived three Raccoons."


	8. Goldie Pig and the Three Raccoons

There was a Papa Raccoon (who looked like Ralph), a Mama Raccoon (who looked like Melissa), and a Baby Raccoon (who looked like Bert). The Baby Raccoon looked at his sailor suit outfit, and looked up towards the ceiling.

"Hey!" he shouted, to no one in particular. "How come I have to be the baby raccoon?!"

"Because Melissa and I are the ones who are married, Bert," Ralph said.

"Good point," Bert replied. "Okay, Storyteller. Proceed."

One morning, the Three Raccoons sat down for breakfast. There were three bowls of porridge sitting on the table in front of the Three Raccoons.

"Porridge?" Bert the Baby Raccoon interrupted, staring at the glop in his bowl.

"Yes, porridge!" Lloyd shouted (from off screen). "Now stop interrupting!"

Bert shrugged, and pulled out a jar of peanut butter. He spooned some of it into his porridge and began stirring it around.

Anyway, the Papa Raccoon took a taste of his porridge, and jumped, nearly hitting the roof.

"Yeow!" he shouted. "This porridge is too hot!"

"I have an idea," the Mama Raccoon said. "Let's take a walk in the woods while our porridge cools off."

"Good idea," the Baby Raccoon said. "That way, it'll give the peanut butter a chance to mix with the porridge. Bleccchhh!"

So the Three Raccoons went off to take their walk into the woods. As they were off on their walk, along came Goldie Pig, (who looked a heck of a lot like Boyd Pig wearing a blue and white gingham dress, and blond wig in sausage curls, with a bow that matched the dress), skipping and singing through the woods.

"Hey, wait a second!" Goldie Pig (or Boyd) shouted. "Why do I have to be Goldie Pig?"

"You drew the short straw," Lloyd said (again, from off screen). "Now shut up and keep singing and skipping!"

Boyd sighed, shrugged, and started skipping and singing through the woods, as Goldie Pig.

"La dee dah dee dah dee dah!" Goldie Pig sang as she skipped through the forest.

As Goldie Pig was skipping and singing, she suddenly began to feel hungry. Luckily, she ran across a small cottage in the woods. She walked up to the door and knocked.

"Hellooooooo!" she called. "Is anybody hooooooome?"

Goldie Pig pushed the door open, and then went inside to look around.

"Yoo hoo!" she called out. "Anybody here? Hmm. Guess not. Wonder what they got to eat around here?"

Goldie Pig wandered into the kitchen and found the bowls of porridge.

"Oh goody!" she squealed. Goldie Pig sat in front of the Papa Raccoon's big bowl of porridge and grabbed a spoon. She popped a spoonful in her mouth, and almost immediately, a forest fire started on her tongue.

"Yeeeeeaaaaaa-hahhhhhh!" she cried, fanning the fire out with her hand. "This porridge is too hot!"

Goldie Pig dropped the spoon and went right to the Mama Raccoon's medium sized bowl, grabbed another spoon, and took a bite. This time, icicles hung off her tongue.

"An thith powage ith too cold!" she shouted, with her tongue hanging out. "Ptooey!"

Once she got the icicles off her tongue, Goldie Pig went to the Baby Raccoon's little bowl, picked up a spoon, and took a taste.

"And this porridge is just right!" she shouted. "And it's peanut butter flavored, too!"

Goldie Pig shoveled all of the Baby Raccoon's porridge in her mouth and swallowed.

"Burp," she grunted once she finished. "Excuse me."

Goldie Pig then left the table and went into the living room. She saw three chairs there, and ran for them. First, she tried the Papa Raccoon's big chair.

"Ouch!" she shouted. "This chair is too hard!"

Goldie Pig walked over to the Mama Raccoon's medium sized chair, sat down, and practically sank.

"Mmph!" she grunted, as she pulled herself out of the chair. "And that chair is too soft."

Goldie Pig then walked over to the Baby Raccoon's little chair, and sat down. Then she sighed contentedly.

"And this chair is just right!" she shouted.

But thanks to all that porridge Goldie Pig wolfed down, she had become a bit heavy, and the chair broke under her weight.

"Oops," she said, picking up a piece of the broken chair. Then she tossed it over her shoulder. "Oh well, it isn't mine, anyway."

Goldie Pig stifled a yawn, and then started to go upstairs to take a nap. When she got into the bedroom, she found three beds. She jumped on top of the Papa Raccoon's big bed, and nearly broke every bone in her body.

"Oooh!" she shouted. "This bed is too hard!"

Goldie Pig then went to try the Mama Raccoon's medium sized bed. She jumped onto it, and practically sank into the mattress.

"And this bed is too soft!" she mumbled. She pulled herself out, and then went for the Baby Raccoon's little bed. She climbed in, and sighed.

"And this bed is just right," she said, and immediately fell asleep and began to snore.

By that time, the Three Raccoons returned from their walk in the woods, and saw that their door was wide open. Then they ran inside and went into the dining room.

"Look!" the Papa Raccoon said. "Somebody's been eating my porridge!"

"And someone's been eating my porridge, too," Mama Raccoon said.

"And someone's been eating my porridge, and they ate it all up," the Baby Raccoon said. "And just between you and me, I'm glad!"

The Three Raccoons then went to the living room, and saw their chairs. The pillows on Papa Raccoon's chair had been knocked slightly askew.

"Someone's been sitting in my chair," he said.

"And someone's been sitting in my chair," Mama Raccoon said, as she saw the pillow in her chair had been slightly squashed.

"And someone's been sitting in my chair," Baby Raccoon said. "And this is what's left of it. Kindling."

Suddenly, the Three Raccoons heard snoring coming from upstairs. They ran up the steps to the bedroom, and looked around. Papa Raccoon noticed that a couple of his pillows had been knocked to the floor, and his bedspread was a bit rumpled.

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed," he said.

"And someone's been sleeping in my bed," Mama Raccoon said, noticing somewhat of an indentation in her mattress.

"And someone's been sleeping in my bed," Baby Raccoon said. "And it's the ugliest Goldilocks I ever did see!"

With that, Goldie Pig woke up, and screamed.

"Eeeeek!" she yelled.

"Get her!" Baby Raccoon shouted, and the Three Raccoons proceeded to chase Goldie Pig out of their house.


	9. Cyril Returns

"So Goldie Pig ran all the way home, and she never went into any strange houses ever again," Lloyd said. "The end."

"That was the dumbest take on Goldilocks I've ever heard," Bert commented, taking Forest from Lloyd. "And it didn't even work. The baby's still crying."

It was obvious that story wasn't going to work. Suddenly, the group heard the door open downstairs, and footsteps clamoring up the steps. It couldn't have possibly been Cedric or Sophia. It had to be Cyril. Sure enough, it was Cyril, and charged into the nursery.

"What in blue blazes is all the racket about in here?!" he shouted. "The minute I get inside, the first thing I hear is the baby screaming!"

"Oh nothing much, Cyril," Bert said. "We're just trying to get Forest to go to sleep, that's all."

Forest reached for Cyril and began whimpering. Cyril groaned, took the baby from Bert, and sat down in the rocking chair.

"Where's Cedric?" he asked. "Don't tell me he and Sofa Girl are still out."

"They're still out," Boyd said.

"I told you not to tell me that," Cyril said.

"Yeah, he called a little while ago," Bert said, shrugging. "He said they were going to be home late."

With that, Forest let out another wail. Cyril grimaced.

"So, what have you been doing to get him to go to sleep?" he asked.

"Well, Sophia said he liked stories, so we've been telling him some," Bert said, shrugging.

"Yeah," Lloyd said. "We told him the story about Goldie Pig and the Three Raccoons!"

"And Ralph told him about Hansel and Gretel," Bert went on. "And Melissa told him a story about Little Red Riding Raccoon, and I told him the story about the Three Little Raccoons, and the Big Bad Aardvark who blew down their houses and nearly threw them in the dungeon. And this Big Bad Aardvark was really big, and ugly, and he smoked cigars and . . . . ehhhh . . . ."

Bert trailed off when he realized Cyril was glaring at him. He had no doubt that Bert had based this Big Bad Aardvark on him, and he was not amused.

"Let me tell you the _real_ story of Mr. Aardvark and the Three Little Raccoons, Forest," Cyril said. "It all started when Mr. Aardvark was talking a walk through the forest."


	10. Mr Aardvark and the Three Raccoons

It was a typical spring morning in the forest, and Mr. Aardvark was out enjoying nature, when he passed three houses. One was made out of straw, one was made out of sticks, and the other was made out of bricks. Standing in front of each house was a raccoon. These raccoons were named Bert (who lived in the straw house), Ralph (who lived in the stick house), and Melissa (who lived in the brick house). They were three very mean little raccoons. Mr. Aardvark tried to walk passed them without getting menaced by them.

"Good morning, good morning, good morning," he said to the Raccoons as he passed them.

"Good morning, Mr. Aardvark!" the Three Little Raccoons sang in perfect unison.

Mr. Aardvark breathed a sigh of relief, and continued on his way. But the three Little Raccoons looked at each other, smiled sneakily, and whipped out three pea shooters. They loaded them, and one at a time, shot their peas out at Mr. Aardvark. It was a direct hit, right in Mr. Aardvark's rear end.

"YEEEEOOOWWW!" Mr. Aardvark shouted. Then he turned to the Three Little Raccoons and glared at them. The Three Little Raccoons were practically on the ground in hysterics.

"Very funny," Mr. Aardvark said to them, sarcastically. "Veeeerrrry funny!"

"Aw, come on, lighten up, Hose Nose!" Bert shouted.

"Why must you three always menace me like this?" Mr. Aardvark asked.

"It's because you got all that cold hard cash and we don't!" Bert yelled.

"Yeah!" Ralph and Melissa shouted in agreement. The Three Little Raccoons then jumped over the fence and walked towards Mr. Aardvark.

"You're rich and we aren't!" Bert yelled again, pulling Mr. Aardvark's nose forward, and then letting go.

"Yeah!" Ralph and Melissa shouted, as they grabbed Mr. Aardvark's ears, pulled them, and snapped them back into place.

"And you wanna know somethin' else, Faucet Face?" Bert asked. "We're gonna go and take your cash!"

"Yeah!" Ralph and Melissa shouted.

"Yike!" Mr. Aardvark shouted, and bolted towards his vault. Once he made it to his house, he dashed inside, and slammed the door shut. Then he practically dove inside his vault and locked himself in.

"They won't find me in here," he said. "Not in a million years!"

Mr. Aardvark relaxed a little, and then, he heard someone knocking on the door to his vault.

"Okay, Mr. Aardvark!" Bert shouted. "We've gotcha covered! Come on out!"

"If you want me to come out, you've got a long wait ahead of you!" Mr. Aardvark shouted. "I'm not coming out, and you're not coming in!"

"Says him," Bert said. "Okay, Ralphie boy! Bring in . . . . the secret weapon!"

"One secret weapon coming right up!" Ralph shouted, and he and Melissa ran off, smiling at each other sneakily. Bert rubbed his paws together deviously. He was waiting for this moment. Soon, Ralph and Melissa returned with an enormous fan.

"Okay, Aardvark!" Bert shouted. "We're gonna give you one last chance to come on outta there and bring your cash with you!"

"Not on your bottom dollar!" Mr. Aardvark shouted.

"Okay, then we'll just have to huff and puff and blow your vault down," Bert said. "Raccoon style!"

Melissa pulled out a remote control, and the fan blades began to spin at an alarmingly fast pace. Things were being blown everywhere. Animals, birds, and trees were sailing clear across the county! But the door to the vault wasn't going anywhere. Finally, the giant fan exploded from the pressure. By that time, Mr. Aardvark came out of the vault.

"Uh oh," Bert said. "Run for it!"

The Three Little Raccoons then beat a hasty retreat out of town, and they never came back.


	11. Goodnight

"And they never menaced Mr. Aardvark again," Cyril said, finishing up the story.

"I think that did it," Ralph said, looking at Forest. He was fast asleep, sucking his thumb.

"Finally," Bert mumbled. He, Ralph, Melissa, and the Pigs were about to leave when Forest suddenly stirred. Bert and the others froze, afraid the baby was going to wake up and start crying again.

"Nobody make a move," Cyril said. Slowly he got up, but the minute he stood up, Forest started whimpering, so he sat back down in the rocking chair. Immediately, Forest stopped whimpering.

"Uh oh . . . . ." Floyd said.

"Looks like we're stuck," Ralph whispered, so he wouldn't wake up Forest.

"Right," Melissa sighed. "If we try to leave, Forest will start crying."

"That's ridiculous," Cyril said, and he stood up again, only to have Forest start whimpering. This time, the others tried to leave again, but Forest kept right on whimpering.

"Boy, we're at the mercy of a baby," Bert said.

Cyril groaned and sat back down in the rocking chair. The others sighed, too, and made themselves comfortable on the floor. They did not want to risk waking up the baby before Cedric and Sophia got back. It was getting late, and Forest needed his sleep.

"We might as well get comfortable until Cedric and Sophia get back," Melissa said, as she reached up and turned off the light.

The Pigs yawned, stretched, and sprawled out in front of the rocking chair. Ralph and Melissa followed, leaning against the wall, and each other. Bert stifled a yawn, grabbed one of Forest's stuffed animals out of the toy box, and used it as a pillow. Cyril sighed, and propped his feet up on Lloyd, using him as a footstool.

"Well, if you can't beat 'em," he said, stifling a yawn himself. "Goodnight, Forest."

An hour later, Cedric and Sophia returned to an extremely quiet house.

"It's awfully quiet," Cedric said. "We'd better check on the baby."

"Good idea," Sophia said. She and Cedric went upstairs to the nursery, and found the door open. They looked inside, and what they found surprised them.

Bert, Ralph, Melissa, the Pigs, and Cyril were all sleeping soundly. Forest stirred for a moment, and woke up, but he didn't start crying. He saw his mommy and daddy, gurgled happily, and reached his arms up at them. Cedric and Sophia looked at each other and laughed. Then they walked into the room (carefully stepping over various arms, legs, and tails of their sleeping friends). Cedric took Forest from Cyril, and put him in his crib. Then Sophia tucked him in, and stroked his ears. Forest yawned, stuck his thumb in his mouth, and then closed his eyes.

"Night-night, sweetie," Sophia said, softly. She bent down, and kissed her baby's forehead.

"Goodnight, Forest," Cedric whispered. "Goodnight, everybody."

Cedric and Sophia then quietly tiptoed out of the nursery, and closed the door behind them. They didn't want to wake any of their friends up.

The End


End file.
